My brief stint as a district police officer. Part 1

"They can't do a damn thing!" some say. "All they know how to do is dig around in drunk people's pockets!" 

"Policemen are just bastards," others enjoin. "You really don't know who to fear more — criminals or guys in uniforms."   

Few people hold the police in high esteem. Many believe they are stupid and indifferent to mankind's suffering.   

So I decided to join the ranks of the district police to get an inside look at a world closed to civilians. 

Computer almost caught me 

"So,  Kukin, you've skipped out on the army to relax here at the station, have you?" the head of the HR Department at a local police station in the Yaroslavl district said unceremoniously.   

"No..." I said a bit timidly. "I've just wanted to join the police since I was a kid!"   

"Aha, a Romantic, are you?" the colonel said shaking his head. "Well, you'll lose that quick enough. Like to put back the booze, do you?" 

"Sorry? What?" I said, not quite getting his point.   

"Everything's clear now," he said, smirking under his thick moustache. "You just haven't made buddies with booze yet."   

And off they sent me for psychological testing. I had to say "yes" or "no" to the 600 questions in what must be the longest psychological test in the world. "I love my father," "Sometimes I see what other people don't," "I almost never feel pain when urinating..."   

Should the truth be told, I tried to answer honestly. It turns out I shouldn't have. The computer processed my answers...   

For example, I answered "no" to the question about my father. What exactly did they mean by "love" anyway? I mean, I don't have anything against him! So I flunked the test outright, and also learned some interesting things about myself. It seems I had a strict childhood, hated my father and suffer from hallucinations. But I was just talking about completely realistic things that might go unnoticed by others. Like a green sprout popping out of the city asphalt.   

Later, though, I spoke with a living psychologist who understood I was normal and sent me back for a repeat test. The second time around the computer was satisfied with my answers.   

First instructor 

The head of the station introduced me to the staff and then handed me off to a tall major racing down the hallway in a field cap.   

On my first day at work, my instructor Sergey, who was around 40 years old and felt sorry for every old lady we saw, destroyed any predispositions I might have had about policemen simply not caring.   

"What's our work all about?" I asked him as we plugged along to several disruptive apartments.   

"We have so many functions we just don't have enough time to do it all," Sergey said. "We're the police's universal soldiers. We have 1,001 duties. One is to check on previously convicted individuals... We have to visit them at home once every three months. If he's a hunter we need to check the conditions in which he's storing his arms. If he's out on conditional release or a convict we need to see how he's making his money and even what he's wearing... But a lot of time is spent on checking statements." 

"Yep," he said slowing down. "Here's the first address. Some lady wrote a statement that her neighbor is molesting her 10-year-old daughter! Bastard! He shows her porn films even though it seems a respectable family man is living in his apartment." 

After taking video cassettes with suspicious titles from the "respectable family man" and writing everything down in front of witnesses, we moved onwards. (The pervert ended up receiving a conditional sentence.) 

"Yes, the den of debauchery has returned," Sergey said. "The residents are moaning..."   

The soiled room sported the only furniture in the entire flat — a sofa without legs. It smelled suffocatingly of sweat and smoke. The room was full of large cockroaches crawling among the scraps of food and cheap alcohol. Behind the makeshift table — a piece of plywood — sat an older creature, most likely female. 

"Oh, the boys have come!" she hiccuped smilingly.   

"Who's the owner of this mess?!" Sergey snapped threateningly, obviously playing the bad guy.   

"He's not here... Who the heck are you?!" said a second creature from the sofa, most likely of the opposite sex.   

"Get outta here!" Sergey shouted. He meant it this time.   

"You've got no right, boss!" the drunk said. "In my days you know what I did with officers like you..."   

The alcoholics flew out the door like stray kittens, but managed to earn a whack beforehand with  Sergey's trusty rubber PR-74 club (made in 1974).   

"Is that legal?" I asked him later.   

"Why do you think they give us these clubs, anyway?  Sergey laughed. "To clean our ears?"   

It seems it's a thin line between what's okay and what's not. Policemen have the right to apply a minimal level of force that matches the character and degree of resistance. The alcoholics didn't seem to actively resist, but on the other hand... It's just not right to act like such pigs! No respect for the police, get it?! 

By the way... 

Why are police officers in films nothing like the real thing?   

Fedor  Aniskin, a village police officer in the trilogy, "Village Detective" (1968), "Aniskin and  Fantomas" (1974), "And again  Aniskin" (1978). Based on the novels by Vil Lipatov. Played by Mikhail  Djarov.   

The simple charming Aniskin sincerely believes that he can change the world. Only a slow-paced remote village could have such a kind-hearted officer.   

Semen  Kovalev — officer from the film, "The Very Last Day" (1972) based on the novel by Boris Vasilev. Played by Mikhail Ulyanov.   

After working a quarter century, the officer dies the last day before his retirement walking around his district. The ideal picture of a kindhearted policeman. Today's police just don't have time to get to know their district so well.   

Pavel Kravtsov — city policeman in the series "District" (2003). Sent to a village out of vigor. Played by Sergey Bezrukov. 

When they asked  Kravtsov why he served in the police, he said: "I wanted to try an experiment to see if it's possible to serve in the police and stay honest." "And?" "The experiment ain't over yet..." the officer said.   

It's only a fairytale. There's something implausible about the idea of making a film about a young, honest police officer in love with his district.  

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